Don't rush into rebound relationships. Take your time, be kind to yourself, and overcome setbacks. Read more to navigate the journey of healing from heartbreak.
February 17, 2023
A breakup is one of the most painful and confusing mental events that everyone goes through. A broken heart can feel like a physical wound, whether it's the quick, shocking end of a new relationship or the painful, long-term end of a relationship. The world, which used to be full of shared hopes and dreams for the future, is now filled with painful memories and empty places. It hurts people of all ages and genders, whether they are teenagers going through their first breakup or people ending a marriage that has been going on for decades.
It's not just a figure of speech. The pain you're feeling is real and has been proven by science. Brain research on heartbreak has shown that the emotional pain of being turned down by a love partner is processed in the same parts of the brain that process physical pain. That's why a broken heart can feel like a band around your chest or a hole in your stomach. When someone dies, they lose more than just a person. They lose a shared future, an identity, and a pattern that was built around that person.
This book is for anyone going through the hard, messy, and often lonely process of getting over a breakup. There are compassionate steps laid out to help you understand what is going on in your mind and body, allow you to feel all of your feelings, and give you tools for moving forward. This isn't about erasing or forgetting the past. It's about learning to live with it, to value the lessons it has taught you, and to start the brave work of making yourself better and more resilient.
Before we talk about how to heal, it's important to understand the biological and mental storm that's going on inside you. It's normal for people to feel this way after a big loss; it doesn't mean they're weak.
There are many "feel-good" chemicals in our brains when we are in a stable relationship. A neurotransmitter called dopamine is released when we spend time with our partner. Dopamine is linked to happiness and reward. Oxytocin, also known as the "bonding hormone," makes trust and connection stronger. It is these same circuits that are turned on at the start of an addiction. When a relationship stops, our brains pull away from people all of a sudden. For some people, this sudden drop in oxytocin and dopamine can make them really want to talk to, write, or even just see the person they've lost.
At the same time, cortisol, the stress hormone, rises. The "fight or flight" reaction is starting up in your body, even though there's no real danger. People who experience this rise in cortisol may have trouble sleeping, a weak immune system, and a general feeling of being sick. This isn't "all in your head"; it's a real bodily response to the hurt of leaving someone or being rejected.
Being aware of this can be a strong first step. This helps you understand that your pain is real and that you're not overreacting. The changes are making your brain and body try to deal with them.
The way people grieve after a breakup is as different as they are, and it rarely goes in a straight line. The classic five steps of grief, on the other hand, can help you make sense of the ups and downs of your feelings. These stages are not a list of things you need to do. Instead, they are meant to help you understand and accept your thoughts. You can go straight to a different stage, skip a step, or feel a mix of all of them at the same time.
1. Denial: The Mind's Defense
When the pain is still fresh, denial is your mind's way of keeping you from feeling all of it. "She'll come back" or "He just needs space" stories are what you hold on to, even when everything seems to be against them. Denial can make you feel numb or like you're replaying conversations over and over again, hoping for a better outcome. Someone who texts their ex-partner every day like nothing has changed, like a friend who says they're "totally fine" a day after the breakup. This is an important defense strategy that gives your heart time to catch up with what your mind knows to be true. Going through this phase can keep you from moving on, but it's okay to feel this way.
Debt often gives way to a strong surge of anger as the shock goes off. You can be angry at your ex, yourself, the world, or anyone else you think is "getting in the way" of your happiness. It's the honest way you're expressing your pain. Now is a normal and important stage. The woman who carefully sorts her ex's things into a "burn pile" or the man who rants to his friends about all his ex's flaws is not being petty; they are letting out a painful feeling that they have been holding in. It's important to find good ways to deal with this anger. Getting some exercise, writing in a book, or talking to a therapist can help you deal with your anger without making you do something you'll later regret.
At this time, there is a desperate hope that things will turn around. You might think to yourself, "What if I had said this?" after every exchange. Or, "If only I had done that differently, would we still be together?" This is your mind's attempt to get back in charge when you feel like you have none. Some promises you might make to yourself or your ex are "I'll change, I'll be a better partner, just give me another chance." This is a normal part of the process, but it's also a place where fake hope can trap you. You should know that bargaining is only a short-term way to ease your pain and not an answer.
A heavy sadness often sets in after the rush of adrenaline from being angry or negotiating. This is the time where you fully accept that you've lost someone. You could have a strong feeling of being alone, losing hope, and sadness. This can show up as a lack of drive, trouble sleeping, or a general sense of being empty. This is the person who can't get up from their couch and face the day. This stage might be the hardest, but it's also the one that heals you the most deeply. You have a chance to really deal with the pain and start to rebuild your inner world. It's important to be kind to yourself right now and get help from friends, family, or a mental health expert.
Acceptance doesn't mean you'll feel happy all of a sudden or forget about your ex. To accept the new truth in a quiet way. Now is the time when you can think about the past without being in a lot of pain. It's when you look at a picture of your ex and don't miss them, but instead feel a soft nostalgia for the good times you had together. The first step to moving on is to accept what is. That's when you can start to pay attention to your own life, goals, and happiness. There is peace there, and you can remember the past without having it shape your present.
Getting through a breakup takes thoughtful, caring actions. Based on the advice of mental health pros, here are some steps you can take to help your healing process.
This is the most important step. It's not a race to heal. Let all of your feelings come out, including sadness, anger, confusion, and everything else. Do not feel like you have to "be strong" or act tough for other people. A young woman who had her first major relationship end told me she felt ashamed to be so sad because "it wasn't a big deal." We helped her see her pain not as an overreaction but as a normal and acceptable reaction to a big loss.
This step is often the hardest but most important. The brain wants a dopamine "fix," which is why we want to check their social media, text them, or call them. Keeping in touch with an ex, even as a "friend," keeps the wound open and stops your brain from getting over the relationship. Draw clear lines. If you need to, you can stop them, mute them on social media, or delete their number. In this day and age, "out of sight, out of mind" is a very effective way to stay alive.
When your heart is broken, you don't always take care of your body. But taking care of your body is a great way to heal your mind. Do the basics when you have time: Put sleep first. Emotional worry can make it hard to sleep. Set up a relaxing routine before bed to help your mind and body rest.
Move Your Body: Working out can help with depression. Endorphins are chemicals that are released, and they can help fight the cortisol increase. You can make a big change with just a 15-minute walk.
Take care of your body. After a breakup, it's easy to eat too much or too little. Pay attention to what you eat and choose things that are good for your body and mind.
You don' need to handle this by yourself. Get in touch with family and friends who will be there for you, understand, and not judge you. Tell them how you feel and let them help you. A man who thought it was "unmanly" to tell his friends how he felt felt a lot better after telling a trusted friend. He learned that being weak is what makes you strong, and that made his bonds stronger.
When two people are in a relationship, their lives often merge. After a split, you can find out who you are again without the "we." Grab your art, sports, or language-learning materials and get back to the things you used to enjoy. These things aren't just things to do for fun; they're ways to rebuild your sense of self and enjoy being alone.
Putting your feelings and thoughts on paper can help you work through them without fear of being judged. It gives you a safe place to let out your anger or sadness and get a better understanding of how you feel. When your mind is running with worries about the past or the future, mindfulness practices like deep breathing and meditation can help calm it down and bring you back to the present moment.
There are things you can do to help yourself heal, but there are also common mistakes you can make that will keep you in pain and stop you from moving forward.
1. Don't drink or use drugs to deal with your problems.
Even though it's tempting to use drugs or drink to dull the pain, they only work for a short time and can cause a worse emotional crash later on. They keep you from really dealing with your feelings and can lead to a cycle of unhealthy ways of living.
2. Don't think about the past all the time
It is harmful to keep thinking about "what-if" situations or "what went wrong" all the time. It's good to think about things every once in a while, but getting stuck in this loop can make you feel bad about yourself and blame yourself. It's important to remember that most of the time, one person's acts are not the reason why a relationship ends. It's usually caused by a mix of things that don't work well together and bad time.
3. Do not "rebound" too soon
Getting into a new relationship right away to escape feeling the pain of the old one can go badly. It's not fair to the new person, and more importantly, it keeps you from healing as you need to. You need to take some time to get to know yourself again before you can be a good partner for someone else.
A lot of the time, social media shows a polished, edited version of people's lives. Watching your ex "happily" move on can be heartbreaking, and it can make you feel like you're "falling behind" on your own healing. Don't forget that recovery is not a race. Each person goes through the process at their own pace. The way you feel is okay, and your schedule is your own.
Even though friends and family can be very helpful, the pain of a breakup can be so great that it needs professional help. A therapist or counselor can give you a safe place to talk about your feelings and come up with your own ways to deal with them.
Understand and Deal with Your Grief: They can help you understand your feelings and walk you through the steps of grief.
Find Unhealthy Patterns: A therapist can help you look at patterns in the way you interact with others and the relationships you're in that may be making you break up with people over and over again. Cognitive-behavioral therapy (CBT) can help a lot with changing these kinds of negative thought habits.
Rebuild Your Self-Esteem: A breakup can make you feel like you're not worth anything. A professional can help you feel better about yourself and remind you of how valuable you are.
Deal with Co-Parenting or Money Problems: A therapist can help people who share tasks learn how to talk to each other in a way that is effective and doesn't cause arguments.
Getting help from a professional is not a sign of failure: it shows that you are strong and care about your own health. Taking this brave step will help you build a life you love and make you happy in the future.
There is no one clear moment that marks the end of the healing process after a breakup. It is a trip with many turns and setbacks. There will be bad days and good days. Sometimes you'll feel hopeful and sometimes you'll feel hopeless. You shouldn't forget about the relationship. Instead, you should make it a part of who you are, learn from it, and use it to help you grow as a person.
Don't forget that a broken heart means you loved someone enough to get hurt. Intimacy, connection, and weakness are all things that show how strong you are. During this tough time, be kind and patient with yourself, just like you would with a close friend. Trust that you have the strength to not only get through this, but also come out of it stronger, more self-aware, and whole.
Do not think that your pain makes you weak. It is a wound that will heal and make you stronger than before if you take the right steps to care for it. You are not defined by this loss; you are defined by how well you can get over it.
Our therapists at Transform Happily are here to help you or someone you care about who is having a hard time getting over a breakup. As you work through your feelings and start to rebuild your life, we offer a safe and private place to do so. Discover more about our one-on-one counseling services and start moving toward a better, happy future.
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