This article explores why parents get angry - from daily stress and exhaustion to unresolved trauma—and how chronic anger affects children's emotional development and attachment. It offers practical strategies like keeping an anger log, deep breathing, setting calm boundaries, and modeling emotional regulation. The piece emphasizes that apologizing after outbursts teaches accountability, self-care prevents emotional depletion, and managing anger is about awareness and choosing thoughtful responses over impulsive reactions.
November 9, 2023
"My kids are my top priority, my child. I love them so much and would do anything for them."
How often do we hear sentences like this from a parent?
The truth is that I love my child, and sometimes, or most of the time, my child is the one I hit when I'm angry. The parent may already be angry with the child, not the other way around.
Anger is a normal feeling. It is a way of indicating that something is out of place in our lives. It's okay to get angry, but the actual problem is how to deal with it.
It could have an effect on both mental and physical health. If you don't control your anger, it can create health problems like high blood pressure, heart problems, digestive problems, and more. It can also create mental health problems like chronic headaches, trouble sleeping, depression, and problems with relationships.
Every parent gets angry with their kids at some point.
Life stresses never end appointments we're late for; stuff we've forgotten until the last minute, health and money worries - the list goes on and on. In the middle of all that stress, our child comes in, having misplaced her sneakers, realizing that she needs to buy a new notebook for school today, taunting her little brother, or just being mean. And we lose our coolness.
To be honest, a parent who is not angry would be in a much better position to deal with any parenting issue when he or she is calm. But we are right in our anger. How could this kid be so careless, rude, ungrateful, or even mean?
No matter how annoying our child is, her acts don't make us angry. We see how our child acts (He hit her again!), and we come to a conclusion (He will become a psychopath!), which leads us to additional conclusions (I have failed to be a good mother!). This steady stream of ideas makes me feel a lot of things, like dread, sadness, and guilt. We can't stand those feelings. We hit our child in anger because an attack is the best defense. The whole thing only takes two seconds.
Your child can touch your sensitive regions when it's okay, but he isn't making you respond. Things that happened to you as a youngster can make you feel angry and desire to hit someone. We know this happens because we can't think clearly when it happens, which makes us act like kids and throw our own tantrums.
Anger that is repetitive or nasty does not stop when someone yells or slams a door. The American Psychological Association (APA, 2021) found that kids who see their parents get angry a lot may also feel anxious, guilty, and unsure about themselves.
Long-term exposure to anger can also set off a child's stress response system, which releases cortisol, a stress hormone that can have long-lasting effects including making it harder to control emotions and do well in school.
Your tone, not just what you say, stays with your child long after the time is over.
Kids grow up feeling safe and loved. When anger comes to visit all the time, it tends to make you feel less protected. When a parent is angry, a child may be scared, lose attachment, or even blame the parent.
Dr. John Bowlby's attachment research and Dr. Mary Ainsworth's further studies have shown that secure connection is a result of parents being warm and responsive all the time. On the other hand, children who have parents who are angry without warning may develop nervous or avoidant attachment styles, which will affect their future connections with other people.
But the good news is that all you need to do to fix the connection is to fix it and keep it that way. Every nice remark, quiet discussion, and loving act will tell your youngster, "You are safe with me again." And that kind of message is stronger than any explosion.
A lot of the time, it's not about the spilled milk or the schoolwork that was lost. It's about the emotional baggage we carry, the traumas we haven't dealt with, the needs we haven't satisfied, or the way we learned to be adults based on how our parents did it when we were kids.
If you were raised in a family where anger was seen as a sign of strength, you can unconsciously copy that model. To break it, you have to first see it. Being aware is healing.
Think about this:
But what do I truly feel beneath this anger, fear, helplessness, rejection, and exhaustion?
Is it how I treat my child or how I deal with my past?
You usually lessen your sentiments by saying them out loud (like "I feel overwhelmed"). Neuroscience backs up: when you label your feelings, the prefrontal cortex of your brain becomes engaged, which helps you think more clearly (Lieberman et al., UCLA study, 2007).
Keep a record of your anger. That's right: an Anger Log. Write down what sets you off and how you react. This can help you figure out what makes you furious so you can avoid those situations in the future.
You need to be in charge of yourself before you can be in charge of others. Calm down and then do something. Try to breathe slowly and deeply, picture a peaceful scene, or say a calming word or phrase over and over in your head.
Set some limits first, then become mad. Speak clearly and ask the youngster if they understand you.
Listen to what makes you anger and don't do anything about it. Speak slowly and pay attention. Say what you feel. Talk about the anger and the hurt that made you angry.
Wait to punish. Do not use threats, violence, or any other way to show your displeasure that could make it worse.
Teaching kids how to control their emotions (by staying calm yourself).
Kids don't learn how to control their emotions in lectures; they learn by watching. When you stop and take a deep breath and find a way to be calm instead of getting upset, you are teaching your child what it is to be regulated.
A study by Developmental Psychology has shown that kids whose parents can control their emotions are better able to deal with problems and have less behavioral disorders.
Simple co-regulation strategies can help:
When your child is distressed, sit next to them and breathe in the same way.
Name the feelings: "I can tell you're upset because the block tower fell down."
Make anger normal and show how to get better: I was angry, too, but I'm calming down now.
It's not about having a child who isn't furious; it's about having a child who knows what to do when he or she is upset.
You can lose your temper, but you can still fix it.
Apologizing doesn't make you weak; it shows that you are responsible and emotionally mature.
You can say:
"I'm sorry I yelled before. I was angry, but I shouldn't have said that. Next time, I'll do better."
This kind of healing teaches kids how to be kind, forgive, and take responsibility for their feelings. It shows that everyone, even parents, can make mistakes and learn from them.
Counting to ten is a simple yet very efficient way to deal with anger.
Leave the area.
Let it go.
Instead of being confrontational and holding back your anger, be flexible and helpful with it. Use your displeasure in the correct way and at the appropriate moment.
If you can't control your anger, you should talk to a mental health professional.
Being angry is one sign that your emotional cup is empty.
Parents get crankier when they don't get enough sleep, are emotionally drained, or don't have time to themselves.
Make time for yourself by going on a stroll, writing, having coffee with someone, or simply watching TV.
You won't erupt as much once your neurological system is safe.
It's normal to get furious with our kids from time to time. There is a challenge in appealing to our maturity to manage our wrath and restrict its expressions as much as possible.
When you're angry, the most important thing to remember is not to act. You will really want to do something to teach your youngster a lesson. But that's what your anger is saying. They think this is an emergency. It nearly never happens. After that, you may teach your child, and it will be the lesson you actually want to teach.
Being a parent doesn't entail being flawless; it involves being awake and healthy.
Right now, promise yourself that you will respond to your child instead of reacting.
When you take a break, breathe, and reflect, you're not simply dealing with anger. You are acting out emotional intelligence for your child.
And Transform Happily will help you turn anger into happiness!
If you’re finding it hard to manage anger at home, reach out to our therapists at Transform Happily. Together, we can turn emotional triggers into deeper understanding and healing.
Stay informed about the latest research in psychology.
The importance of mental wellbeing is always better understood when we journey through the challenges in life.
Transform Happily enables you to grab the joy and freedom of mental health!
.svg)
.png)
%202.svg)
.jpg)
.jpg)
.png)