This article explores why we fall for the wrong people and how to heal from heartbreak. It identifies four signs of mismatched relationships: doing all the work, ignoring your intuition, losing yourself, and mistaking intensity for real connection. The piece offers healing strategies like allowing yourself to grieve, reclaiming your space, and redefining love on your terms. It emphasizes that lasting love requires intentional daily effort and becoming your own Cupid by understanding your needs and setting healthy boundaries.
March 9, 2023
Don't we all have ideas about how love should go? It feels like you're in a movie. You fall in love with someone you meet by chance and share a brief moment of eye contact with. Every day is a step closer to a happy ending. The person and the feelings are both excellent. We learn that Cupid never misses! We read fairy tales and watch romantic movies that all say we will know when "the one" comes around. We will feel it. We only need to show up; the cosmos will take care of the rest. We sit and wait for our own love story to unfold, which is fate's way of telling us to do so.
What if Cupid, the tiny arrow-shooting troublemaker with wings, had a difficult day? What if he's a little off balance, needs new glasses, or is just a little short-sighted after a long weekend of shooting those love darts?
Typically, the ultimate effect is beautiful, but sometimes it provokes contemplation, resulting in a disastrous outcome rather than a fanciful tale.
His arrow could target someone who is either emotionally inaccessible or simply not suitable for you, rather than your intended match. Or, even worse, he might launch an arrow that is already broken, and we end up falling for someone we didn't plan to or into an unhealthy love affair.
You didn't do anything wrong or make yourself unlovable. This is just another case of "Cupid blew it," which happens to everyone. It's not an arrow that hit the wrong target that tells the true narrative. The real story is how we fix things after the fallout and become our own Cupid. The idea is to learn how to shoot for a reason and not just hope.
We've all been in relationships that feel more like two individuals struggling to hold it together and dance to different melodies than a beautiful waltz. Even though you wanted them to commit, you could have been with someone who just wasn't able to. Maybe you were always giving, and other folks were always taking. You held on to that first rush of exhilaration from the start, believing it would turn into the deep love you have always wanted.
This is something I see a lot as a psychotherapist. I talk to people who are perplexed, guilty, or even furious with themselves and want to know, "Why did I let this happen?" and "What is wrong with me that I couldn't make a healthy relationship?"
You might feel all of these things and then feel even worse because you're asking yourself, "Why did I let myself get into that situation?" I should have known better. We get so caught up in the idea of being "in love" that we fail to ask a much more fundamental question: Is this love good for me?
When an arrow misses, it teaches you something instead of being a mistake. Instead of a mistake, it becomes a chance to realize that our first strong and dramatic sensation of love for someone else doesn't mean that it's right for us. It is a chance to understand that real love isn't always a big moment of revelation; it can be quiet and subtle and take time to grow. We are, after all, human. We often take the first thing that feels like love because we want to connect with someone else.
Imagine that you are in the desert and glimpse something shiny. Then you realize you really need some water. You think the shiny thing in the distance is water, so you race toward it, but it turns out to be a mirage. Cupid made that mirage. It looks like it will fix all of your problems, but it's simply a mirage that makes you thirstier.
You are right, in fact. You are having a serious problem, and it's because we tend to believe that what we know is best for us. You might be drawn to a certain type of person because they make you feel safe, even if they aren't beneficial for you in the long run. You might have thought drama was passion because you grew up amid chaos. You can have a spouse that you think is well-adjusted and wants you to give up your best self for love. We often mix up these strong sentiments with real closeness. The attractive object keeps you from the long, hard labor that is sometimes needed to build a truly meaningful connection.
Many of us grew up with thoughts that if we found “the one,” love would automatically endure forever. Fairy tales, movies, and social media have led us to believe that love is perfect and that there are no problems in relationships. They also tell us that there is always a happy ending. But most people live in a different world, where Cupid doesn't always hit his point and love that was well aimed may soon fade away. Many couples who were previously inseparable may now find themselves no longer attracted to each other and holding on to the idea of love, wondering if they really love one another or if love was really meant for them.
Love doesn't go away all at once; it just fades out like colors do in the sun. At the start of a relationship, your brain is flooded with dopamine and oxytocin, which are the "feel-good" neurotransmitters. Everything feels wonderful! Then life gets in the way: work, kids, and especially money problems. It does not take long for the initial spark to diminish, and you come to understand that mutual agreement on minor irritations is no longer possible. The unspoken words transform into resentments, leading you to withdraw from the actions that fostered closeness. You likely care for your partner most of the time; what is lacking is the deliberate effort to listen attentively, challenge one another constructively, and deepen mutual understanding.
Couples don't stop loving each other because their love just goes away; it fades away over time because of many little things that seem unimportant. One of the most prevalent reasons is taking each other for granted. When life becomes busy, it's easy to forget to show thanks and instead feel that you may take each other for granted. Unresolved disputes often lead to tension, gradually creating a wall of emotional distance. When there is unresolved tension, the love it represents, no matter how little, lets detachment get into the relationship. Even talking! Communication is crucial here. It's vital to remember that harsh words can kill love, but not being warm in your conversation can do the same thing. Partners who don't grow together fade apart as they mature and evolve. Drift means being physically disconnected, but it may also be sensed. Even when people are physically close, they can feel like they aren't connected. Lastly, what about platonic love? When the invitation for platonic affection, both emotionally and physically, is ignored, love starts to feel empty or cold. But love doesn't die; it changes. It may have started as a hot and passionate love, but has it actually turned into a peaceful, steady connection? Even if it's modest, connection can last if both couples choose to cherish those little moments of being together. Just like fire needs fuel to keep burning, love needs things like affection, curiosity, fun, and patience to stay strong.
So, how do you know if you're in a "Cupid's mistake" or just a relationship with some bumps? You might think the answer is more complicated, but you'll discover it clearer by looking for these clues.
1. A relationship takes a lot of work.
There are good and bad times in every relationship, and sometimes there are disagreements or fights. But a great relationship shouldn't feel like "it's work." It should feel more like trying to drag a boulder up a rocky mountain. It's easy to say, yet it means a lot. You might be the only one who stays in touch, makes plans, and says sorry after a fight. You are in charge of fixing things when your companion has a problem. There needs to be cooperation for a relationship to stay healthy.
2. Your Inner Voice Is Yelling, Even When We Don't Listen
You know deep inside. "That voice in your gut is saying, 'This doesn't feel right.'" When you two are in the same room, you can feel uneasy, like a knot in your stomach when you look at your phone, or even dread when you are ready to do something you've been putting off. You can squander your time trying to convince yourself that it's not real because you're hungry, you're afraid of being alone, or you've put too much time and energy into this connection. We often try to calm the voice within our heads by saying things like "Things will get better" or "They have a lot going on."
3. You are fading away.
You could feel smaller, weaker, and less like yourself after a "Cupid mistake." To avoid a fight, you may have toned down your opinions, stopped hanging out with your pals, or put your passions on hold. You might "tiptoe" because you're always trying to be what you think your lover wants. A healthy partner helps you become the best version of yourself instead of making you do things to meet their demands. Your partner should support your passions and be proud of what you've done.
4. The "Spark" Is Just a Match That Is Burning
We use the word "spark" a lot, but sometimes a spark is merely a match that is about to go out. Don't worry; the start of a new relationship is often full of excitement and intensity. You might not see the big problems between you two since you're so excited and drawn to one other. But if all that's left are strong, sharp feelings, that's not enough. Healthy, long-term partnerships are built on shared ideals. Have faith! And honor! That's not really love! It's time to move on when your relationship is nothing but ashes. Love is not like a wildfire! You may feel safe and at ease around true love, even on the coldest nights.
Our brains are wired to recognize patterns. We are pulled to what we know, even if it is not good for us. If you grew up in a home where love was conditional, you might start hunting for people who make you feel like you have to earn their affection. You might think that drama is the same as passion if you've seen a lot of it. We often mix up "known" and "right." It's like owning a favorite old shirt with a hole in it. You know your clothes aren't perfect, but you keep wearing them because they make you feel good. To break the cycle, you have to make an effort to find fresh experiences and a different form of emotional connection.
We term it "falling out of love" when we are disappointed by reality, yet we might never have loved the genuine person.
After a "Cupid's slip," you might want to start dating again right away. That would be like trying to run a marathon with a hurt ankle. Not fun and definitely not helpful—why put yourself through additional pain? In fact, a significant pause is necessary for recovering from a wrongly launched bow shot.
1. Get back in touch with yourself.
You need to fix your connection with yourself before you can have a good one with someone else. A "Cupid's slip" could make you think about your worth and your judgment. Take this time to get to know yourself again, without a companion. What makes you laugh? What do you like to do in your free time? What are the most important things to you? Reconnect with family and friends who remind you of your worth and value at this time, instead than waiting for someone else to fill your cup.
2. Think of this break as a "relationship detox."
Look at this time as a break or "relationship detox." People in our culture typically see being single as a time to wait. But it still does. It has a lot of room to expand. A detox gets rid of poisons, bad habits, and bad ways of thinking, making you stronger and more resilient. The longer and deeper the detox, the more likely it is that you'll be healthy instead of needy when you start your next relationship. It's not about avoiding love; it's about being ready for a healthier relationship.
It's time to get to know your inner Cupid again after you've healed and fed yourself. This is about altering how you think about love, going from a passive view ("I hope I'll find the right person") to an active view ("I will actively seek a healthy relationship").
1. The "Red Flag" guide
You now have new and vital knowledge after a "Cupid's Mistake": your own list of red flags. Don't ignore them. You now know from past experiences what doesn't work for you. It could be someone who is always late, doesn't listen to what you say, or doesn't treat service workers with respect. These aren't small problems; they show you who a person is.
2. A new spark
Look for diverse kinds of fire instead than "lightning strikes." Look for the slow burn, the comfort, respect, and familiarity we have with one other. This spark doesn't appear as strong at first, but it will last a lot longer. It's the feeling of being seen and understood, laughing, and being around people who make you feel good. This ember is what changes a short-lived desire into a long-lasting relationship. It feels more like a warm fire on a cold night than fireworks.
The first thing to do is to see a "Cupid's mess-up." But what then? You probably want to start over and get rid of the trash, right? This is when the real work begins, and it all comes down to being kind and acting with purpose.
1. Allowing oneself to grieve.
It's okay to be sad. It's okay to be angry. Even if you know it wasn't right for you, breaking up is still a loss. You are grieving the time you spent, the person you may have become, and the future you had hoped for. Don't pretend you're not hurt to be "strong." You can feel furious, frustrated, and depressed. In the shower, cry. Put on some sorrowful music. Go to a movie that gives you something. This is an important part of the healing process and doesn't mean you're weak.
2. Get back your physical and emotional space.
After a breakup, you need to take some time for yourself. That doesn't just mean getting their things out of your place. It has to do with mental space. Stop following them. Take their number out. Stop seeing their face and hearing their name. It's not about being petty; it's about safeguarding your healing process. It's like putting a "do not disturb" sign on your heart. An hour alone is a nice thing, not a bad thing.
3. Think of a different way to define love.
Because of the miscommunication, you get a chance to think about what real love means in a new way. The easiest approach to do that is to write down the lessons you've learned from this experience in a notebook or on paper. What did you not have to deal with? What qualities do you think are most important in a partner? What did you see that you really needed? You can't be with someone who pushes your limits, or you truly need someone who shares your values, or you just need someone who talks to you better. Use your thoughts to help you get a better, more complete picture of what you want and deserve. This is a plan for a happy, healthy individual, not a list of what you want in a spouse.
4. Be your own Cupid.
This is the amazing part. You don't have to wait for another random arrow to hit you. You can make your own romantic route. Find your own wants and make your own Cupid. This includes doing the work on the inside to find out who you are, what you need, and what your limits are. This means that you need to learn to love and esteem yourself first so that you don't need anyone else's approval. You won't be as likely to get hit by another wrong arrow if you know who you are and what you desire. You will be able to see the mirage from a mile away.
It's not just the major things that keep love alive; it's the little things you both do every day to protect your relationship. Keep dating each other by doing things that surprise and make you cheerful! This can be done with a loving note, a tiny gesture that shows you care, or even a date night that takes you back to where it all began. It's also vital to be honest with each other by discussing your feelings, even the uncomfortable ones. This will help you avoid building up animosity. It's important to show thanks every day, even in modest ways. A warm "thank you," a hug, or even just recognizing someone's tiniest efforts can go a long way. These simple habits can bring back feelings of love and connection. The choices that each partner takes every day are similar to how partners work hard to grow together by trying new things, going on trips, or learning together. This leads to shared growth, closeness, and connection. Lastly, always remember to protect your privacy. Physical touch and emotional openness are like the glue that holds love together and keeps it strong over time.
Going back to the idea of "Cupid's misfire," we frequently think of love tales that don't work out as a waste of time. When it comes to what it takes to make love last, there is a lot to learn from them. Every time we feel pain, it helps us figure out what we need, how we want to love, and what we need to do to be in meaningful relationships for a long time. Falling out of love doesn't mean you have to stop loving someone; it can also be a chance to take a break, think about what you want to save, and then get back into it.
So, when we ask, "Does love last?" Of course, but not by chance! Love lasts when two people keep "engaging" with it, when they treat it like a live creature that needs care. Cupid may "miss," but the enduring essence of love is predominantly a matter of choice rather than enchantment—there exists a perpetual decision to observe one another, appreciate one another, and develop collectively.
Healing also means getting help and comfort in safe places. This could be because of devoted friends and family, or it could be because of professional help that helps break bad behaviors and rebuilds a sense of self-worth. The completely re-calibrated self also finds joy again, even in the simplest activities, like interests, hobbies, or performing duties that we may have given up while we were in a relationship. Every little thing that makes us happy brings us back to being whole. One of the best things about starting over after a mistake is that we may redefine what "love" means to us on our own terms.
We may decide if love means peace instead of commotion, attention instead of just being required, or a partnership that gives instead of takes. We are no longer limited by old scripts and false memories. This study of self is like our inner compass for partnerships that care about us. Even if it hurts, a wrong arrow points us in the right direction for a better, straighter path. We think that sorrow makes us smarter, and wisdom makes us stronger. Instead, then going on as hurt individuals, we move on as new people who are stronger, kinder, and wiser and who want to love based on safety, trustworthiness, and honesty.
If you’ve been through a “Cupid’s misfire,” remember healing is possible. Transform Happily’s therapists can help you rediscover your self-worth and rebuild a healthy connection—with yourself and others.
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