This blog explores the various faces of anger, from the pleaser to the balanced individual, and discusses personal experiences and techniques for managing anger effectively.
March 20, 2023
I used to think of anger as a "bad emotion" that I needed to hide, push down, or feel bad about. I used to think that being angry meant I was a "bad person." But as a psychologist and as a person who has been learning, I have learned that anger is not our enemy.
It doesn't come into our lives to hurt us, but to let us know that something important has been broken. It shows us our limits, our unmet needs, and the places where we feel seen, overloaded, or not heard. I read something that really struck a chord with me: "You made yourself angry because of how you saw the situation or how you chose to react to it." That one sentence helped me change something. It helped me remember that anger is not harmful in and of itself. In fact, anger is a normal and good feeling for people. What counts is how we act, what we say, how we move, and what choice we make when we're angry.
Someone might throw something, hit a door, or swear and then walk away without giving it a second thought. Anger has usually been a lot less loud for me, but it hasn't been any less hurtful. I've been feeding my anger like a hot cup of tea on a cold day, letting it build up until it burned me. Because of my morals and beliefs and my fear of conflict, I didn't always show and talk about my anger, but when it did, it wasn't easy. Even though I didn't always yell, I did shut down, stop talking to people, stiffen up, and become hard to reach. The shout and the quiet are both very loud. For a long time, I've known that making things explode or bottle them is not the answer. It's there that you can find the answer: by studying anger, listening to it, and choosing how to react to it.
For me, anger is like a fire rising in my chest—hot, burning, and demanding to be let out. Not always am I aware of it, but it shows up as a clenched jaw, a knot in my stomach, or a hand that gets tight. However, there is often something softer underneath that flame, like sadness, anger, fear, or being let down. Anger isn't always the first feeling you have. A stronger truth lies beneath the surface but is hidden by hardened pain. Anger says:
• "I'm not getting fair treatment"
• "People are crossing my lines"
• "No one can see, hear, or understand me"
• "I'm stressed out and need help"
So,anger isn't "bad." It's just a sign that something is wrong, like pain. If our bodies didn't hurt, we wouldn't know when they were hurt. In the same way, we wouldn't know when our spirit, beliefs, or dignity are being hurt without anger.
It set me free to understand why I get mad. It stopped me from blaming other people or myself and made me curious about how I was feeling.
The Cognitive Appraisal Theory, which was put forward by Richard Lazarus, says that feelings are not responses to events but interpretations of them. As an example, I might get very angry if someone stops plans we had together and I take it as a rejection. If I think that the other person is just tired and wants to rest, I might feel sorry for them instead. This helped me understand that my feelings are caused by the thoughts I have. I might feel a different way about something depending on how I understand it. "Reframing" events doesn't mean forgetting how painful they were; it means taking a moment to think before making a decision.
The Frustration-Aggression Hypothesis is another useful view. It says that we get angry when our goals are harmed or when we don't get what we expected. Think about how annoying a long traffic jam or a quick comment made out of frustration after a long day can be. Often, they're not mad at the event or the person in charge, but at how heavy the problems are that are making them mad in the first place. I learned that many of my "overreactions" at work had nothing to do with the situation at hand. Instead, they were caused by feelings of tiredness, inadequacy, or a deeper wound that I needed to deal with.
Neuroscience has shown that anger isn't just "in the mind." It affects the whole body. The amygdala, which is our brain's emotional warning system, responds right away when it senses danger or unfairness. The part of the brain that handles thinking and controlling impulses may be behind. This delay is what makes anger feel natural, before it makes sense.
This is why anger can feel so physical—your heart beats fast, your lungs get short, and your muscles get tight. This helps me see that anger is not a sign of weakness. Biology says so. The point is to make a break that lasts long enough for the logical brain to start working again.
Angry people who don't deal with their problems hurt their health and relationships. Studies have found a link between:
• High blood pressure and the chance of getting a heart disease
• Less effective defense system
• Changes in sleep
• Headaches and issues with digestion
To be fair, there is a good side to anger. Recognizing and/or expressing anger can help us deal with stress and lower cortisol levels.
•Healthy anger means being firm, setting limits, solving problems, and being present with your feelings.
•Unhealthy anger includes physical violence, threats, holding a grudge, long-term resentment, and pain caused by angry views.
The difference between these two types of anger isn't always about how you feel. It's about how you show your anger.
I've learned that anger can look like many things over time. Some are easy to see, while others are more subtle and hard to find. Figuring out these "faces" has helped me figure out my own habits and the habits of other people.
1. Anger that explodes
This anger gets stronger until it explodes. I used to hold in my anger until it exploded, and it often happened when it wasn't necessary. I yelled at a coworker one time because the printer was stuck. The real problem wasn't the printer; it was being tired, having too many deadlines, and feeling too much.
People who are very angry often say, "You didn't listen when it was a whisper."
2. Keeping Anger Down
I'm fine" was my mask for a long time. I smiled even though I was angry inside. I tried to stay out of arguments, but headaches, irritability, and mental exhaustion were always with me.
Anger that is pushed down doesn't go away; it digs deeper and shows up as worry, distance, or even illness.
3. Anger that is passive-aggressive.
To hide my pain, I'd use snark, say "yes" when I really meant "no," or give someone the cold shoulder. It looked safer than going straight into a fight, but it made things more confusing and broke trust.
Passive-aggression hides the truth from us and from other people.
4. Strong-willed anger
This is the style I want to have. It's not about blaming others when you're angry; it's about sharing your feelings in a clear, polite way and trying to make things better. For instance: "It felt rude when you cut me off earlier. Can we talk about it?"Assertive rage brings people together instead of keeping them alone.
5. Long-Term Anger
Woman: At one point, I saw everything through the view of irritation. Long-term anger comes from deeper feelings and sees everything as an enemy. It took therapy, self-love, and rest to heal from long-term anger.
Other Types of Anger: As I studied and thought, I came across more complex forms of anger. These long descriptions include psychological principles, personal observations, and helped me think about myself and others:
The Pleaser: Always shows anger, thinks it's their fault, and holds it in until it bursts.
The bully: puts their own inner critic on other people and puts them down by judging, threatening, and criticizing them rudely.
The Self-Soother: To deal with anger, they use things like food, social media, shopping, or drink as distractions. - The Numb: They use anger to hide their pain by escaping or numbing things like sadness, guilt, and loneliness.
The Nagger: Avoids making direct complaints and keeps voicing worries, which lets problems go unattended.
The Detached: Explains away their anger and tells themselves they're "fine," while hiding how uncomfortable they are inside.
The narcissist: Sees anger as a right and a sign of dominance, which makes them not responsible to others.
The Balanced: Gives and receives anger in a clear and unaffected way, sets healthy boundaries to gain respect for themselves and others, and uses the conflict to learn from it. Recognizing these anger faces doesn't mean you're putting someone in a certain category; it just means you're noticing patterns of behavior that are keeping you stuck or helping you find a healthier way to express or solve your anger.
Unresolved anger doesn't stay inside; it spills out into relationships, places, and your own peace of mind. I know that when I wouldn't talk to an angry person, I would block them out, and when I did, I would say something I could never take back. Or there were times when I was so angry that I wouldn't talk to them for days, and I would find myself thinking about something I hadn't let go of and applying it to something today. Thinking about and replaying stories from the past didn't solve anything; it only made the anger stronger. I realized that what needed to be questioned or even resolved wasn't the anger itself, but how to express it.
I've shown a lot of different sides of my anger over the years, and sometimes all of them in the same day: the suppressor, the passive-aggressor, and the exploder. Now I'm trying to be more assertive, but I'll be honest: it isn't always easy. Even when I'm aware of how I'm feeling, old habits come back to haunt me. I've still had times when tiredness couldn't stop me from sarcasm or silence. The difference today is that I can ask myself to step back, sit with awareness, and change my behavior.
For me, controlling my anger doesn't mean locking myself away; it means paying close attention to it and reacting in a good way. I have tried many of the following methods that work for me:
Mindful Awareness: I stop and feel where my anger is showing up in my body while I ask myself, "What is underneath this?"
Journaling: Writing down the triggers and patterns in my journal helps me figure out what kind of person I want to be and what kinds of responses I don't want.
You can let out your anger through exercise. I walked, stretched, or danced to feel better.
Therapy: A safe, neutral place to talk more about my deeper wounds and frustrations in real time to process what's happening in my life.
Breathing: Taking deep, slow breaths and creating a buffer from stimulus to response.
Rules: Being able to say "no," take a break, and talk about any of these things before a notice that is way above boiling point arrives.
Away: Going for a short walk to get away from the situation and calm down while fighting with myself about whether I should do it or not.
Self-Debate: Asking myself over and over if there is something about this that calls for The "Name It to Tame It" Practice: Saying "I'm angry" will wake up the prefrontal cortex and help the amygdala stay in check.
The 90-Second Rule: Neuroscientist Jill Bolte Taylor says that most emotional storms only last 90 seconds, unless we link thoughts to them and make them worse. When this happens, pausing will often make the storm less strong.
Body Scan Check-in: Pay attention to where in your body anger lives—is it in your jaw, your fists, or your stomach? Breathe into the tightness and let it go.
Rewrite the Story: When something sets you off, ask yourself, "What else could this mean?" "Reframe the story about the same event. Being open to different frames will help you feel less anger that isn't necessary or based on reason."
Cooling Movement: These are some simple ways to get rid of anger: shake your arms, go for a walk, or stretch. I have a few more options for how to show my anger, but not all of them work all the time.
As a psychotherapist, I see people of all ages and at all times who are angry:
A kid's temper tantrum could mean that they feel like they are not being heard.
A kid who slams a door might actually be feeling ashamed or unsafe.
The harsh tone of a partner may not mean they are angry, but rather they want to be close. I learned that when I stopped taking anger at face value, I could hear the needs that it was stirring up.
Not only has this shift from judging to understanding and caring changed my relationships with other people, it has also changed the way I talk to myself.
Being able to turn anger into energy for good change is one of the most important changes I have been through and seen others go through.
Angry feelings are strong. We don't have to let them burst into bad things; we can use them for good things.
Anger about something we think is unfair or limiting can fuel our desire to change things for the better, whether it's for better relationships, healthier lifestyles, or clearer boundaries. Without anger, many social movements, new ideas, and discoveries would not have happened.
Connect to Our Values: Anger often tells us what's most important to us. For example, if disrespect makes you angry, it means you value respect. When we figure out what makes us angry, we figure out what we believe in.
Inner Healing: When we treat our anger with kindness, we can often see through it to the tender place that the anger is connected to. This inner journey can help us start healing from wounds we may have been avoiding for years.
Creative outlets: Anger can lead to some of the deepest art, writing, and music. When we can turn our anger into something beautiful, healing, and important, we not only let it go, but we also express ourselves.
In connection to anger, this means that instead of asking yourself "how do I get rid of anger?" ask yourself "how can I turn this anger into something bigger than myself, something that might help someone else grow, heal, or do something creative?"
A lot of people ask if anger is bad for you, and the answer is no. It's okay to feel angry; what's wrong is how we act and show our anger. Anger that isn't dealt with carefully can hurt our relationships, make us sick, and make us feel bad about things we did. Anger, on the other hand, can help you change and grow if you recognize it and let it out. Anger can be good is another question that comes up a lot. Getting angry can be very helpful. Anger tells us when someone has crossed a line, helps us figure out what we stand for, and can push us to protect ourselves or others. A lot of people also wonder if it's possible to get rid of anger. The truth is that no one can or should get rid of anger; it's a normal part of being human. Not getting rid of anger is not the goal. Instead, we should respond with thought instead of responding out of anger.
The truth is that nobody should or can try to get rid of anger; it's just a part of being human. The real goal is not to shut it down, but to learn how to deal with it in a thoughtful way instead of just responding. People also ask, "What is the fastest and best way to calm down when I'm angry?" There isn't a single answer that works for everyone, but simple things like stopping, taking a deep breath, moving our bodies, or stepping away from the situation can give us time to think things through. Finally, you shouldn't be afraid of anger; you should notice it. We can stop letting anger control us and start letting it help us heal and become more aware by changing how we relate to it.
We shouldn't see anger as the enemy; it's just the guardian of the things we value in life. It shows up when we've been abused, hurt, or not seen. It means that something important to us is at risk.
When I think back, I remember times when I was very angry. There were times when I felt rejected, unnoticed, or disrespected. Either I wanted to lash out or I wanted to just run away and hide. No matter what, I always felt tired and bad about myself. But then I saw something: anger was often present on top of other emotions. I often felt sad, scared, powerless, or like I needed love just below my anger. That anger was just a mask that those kinder feelings put on to keep me safe. I see the same thing in the kids, teens, and adults I work with. Anger isn't always just anger. It is pain that is often wrapped in fire.
We are not stronger when we are angry, just like an explosion does not make us feel strong. In order to be truly strong, we need to be able to sit with our anger, understand what it's trying to tell us, and then act in a way that is both clear and kind.
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